An Epistle to Tanks

robert

Herein find some suggestions for how you can make Cataclysm instance runs exciting and interesting for healers.

  1. Make sure that you start pulling the next group of mobs while the healer and other magic users are regaining mana. We know that retaining a high level of rage is important, and apologise for not being able to retain mana when we cast.
  2. When the fight is over, and the healer is out of mana, and you’re low on health, don’t waste any of your bandages or food. Instead, remember to hassle the healer to top up your health as quickly as possible, and don’t forget to complain when the healer has to sit down afterwards for a cold drink. Healers wear dresses, and are soft and lazy.
  3. Run out of range of the healer and start pulling while the healer and other magic users are regaining mana. Blizzard should just fix things so that healers can drink while running into range. It’s not your fault.
  4. Don’t waste any time marking up pulls. The excitement of having to heal up the ranged DPS who’ve just pulled a mob away from you makes life interesting and breaks up the tedium of runs.
  5. Make sure that you break any crowd control without getting thread on the mob. Rampant free angry mobs are great fun, particularly when they jump on the healer after eating the mage. After all, mages wear dresses, and are soft and lazy.
  6. You can safely ignore any encounter mechanics, and just stand there hitting the boss in the face while complaining that heals can’t keep you up while the DPS are too slow burning the boss down. Moving bosses so their attacks don’t hit the rest of the group is just a waste of time, and you don’t have the time to figure out if the stuff you’re standing in is good stuff or bad stuff.
  7. If the gear you’re hoping for doesn’t drop off a boss, quit the group and requeue. You’re a tank. You deserve the best.

The important thing to remember is that Cata instances are just like Lich King instances, and are designed for you to bulldoze through as quickly as possible. Finesse, control and care are for spreadsheet-fiddling rogues, and anyone pursuing the quests in instances deserves what they get.


2 Responses to “An Epistle to Tanks”

  • Orvillius@Coilfang Says:

    I knew I was doing something wrong waiting for healers and dps to drink, marking my pulls, waiting for CC. How embarassing!

    • robert Says:

      You’re probably also not a worgen warrior tank – they seem to be the new Death Knights :-)

      I was prompted to pen this rant after having a tank exhibit all those behaviours, including dropping out part way. It was a very pleasant relief when the replacement tank took the time to mark pulls, work with CC, and keep an eye on the state of folk’s mana. On the whole, I think that for every egregious twit in the game, there’s a solid handful of good players.